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Hello My Fat Friends

Hello hello, my friends from the other side. Yes, I am addressing you, the fat people of the world.

The reason for this address is due to a certain perplexing circumstance which I’ve been contemplating in recent time. You see, I’m skinny. I have legs that, without the hair, make most girls jealous by their sheer slenderness. My figure is slim. Give me a set of boobs, and I’d pretty much be your perfect figure of a woman (given I’m wearing a skirt to address the other issue). In truth, you and I are one and the same. Only, we come from different sides of the pasture.

You may be confused. Wondering how it is that I’ve come to the conclusion that we are the same. You being large, fat, overweight, too much; and me, being slender, beautiful, skinny, agile, nimble, able to slip through small cracks, crevices, et cetra. You may have the opinion that we are nothing alike, and the idea of our stereotypes being friends blasphemy (minus the religious connotations).

First, let me clarify your situation. Being overweight is no fun at all. Perhaps a few staunch supporters will declare themselves in love with their physicalness. I would argue those supporters are simply deceiving themselves in order to support a system of survival, one that allows their physical state to be justified, and normal. But life is not lived to its fullest when you are overweight. You are burdened by the sheer volume of mass. This taxes your bodily functions. The veins are restricted; the heart is forced to work harder to maintain a less than optimal blood flow. The lungs struggle to grasp enough oxygen to keep the brain at top performance. And simple tasks such as brushing your teeth, combing your hair, or eating cause a slight shimmer of sweat to break out on your forehead. In short, the physical ailment of obesity robs you of partaking of the greater joys in life.

It is a natural tendency for many in this situation to harbor malice and hatred toward those whose situation contrasts their own. That would be where I come in. I’m the skinny guy.

Let me open your eyes, this is really where the problem resides. Your perception of the world has been structured, and certain truths have been omitted for a purpose.

The following deceptions have been propagated by our society, the media, and kids at school.

First, skinniness is beauty. While it may be true that beautiful people tend to be skinny, the majority of skinny people were born ugly, and have been that way all their lives. Unfortunately there is no real hope for these people. There is no procedure to fix their ugliness. Plastic surgery can only go so far to disguise ugly. Their only true hope is one of sacrifice; they must find a mate who is more beautiful than they and they must produce offspring. The hope being that their offspring will somehow manage to favor the more beautiful of its parents.

When it comes right down to it, I don’t believe there is any documented proof of a skinny person ever becoming beautiful by becoming overweight. However, there are multiple instances of overweight people losing that weight, becoming skinny/slender/slim, only to discover that they are beautiful people. (Disclaimer: this is not to suggest fat = ugly but it does distort the image a little.) Given this perspective, its easy to see, the fat people have +1 points over skinny people.

The second deception, skinniness equals blissfulness. The ailments of a skinny person are often more difficult to detect than those of an overweight or obese person. Just because they are less visible does not make them any less painful. You see a world where it’s hard to not eat. I see a world where it’s hard to get myself to eat. First I have to decide what I want, almost impossible. Then I have to either make it (not likely) or drive somewhere to buy it (costly and time consuming). Usually I falter to the latter of the two, but I tend to fall into ruts where I eat the same thing over and over again. Because if I’ve invested all that time and money in driving somewhere to buy something, I don’t want to ruin it all by exploring new foods and getting something gross. This can, in extreme cases, cause ones perspective of life to turn somewhat drab. Void of joyful tastes and flavors. A constant barrage of the same flavors to the taste buds will cause them to dull and lose life.

I’m tired of numbering the deceptions, lets move on.

Ailments, what ails you? As an overweight person I’m sure there are many things you could list when given this question. And you may struggle when asked to provide a speculative list of the ailments a skinny person may have.

It may be a shocker, but despite our differences, a lot of the ailments are quite the same (within reason).

I don’t play sports, in large part because I dislike them. But I think that dislike has slowly grown over time in large part due to my inability to perform at the level “normal” people do. I find that physical contact is often quite painful, and I suspect more painful than most people realize. The reason for this is the lack of padding and fat. Which means I’ve got bones out there to absorb the impact of falling down, hitting other players (tackling includes both these aspects) and other various forms of sport play. Because of this increased pain factor, sports lose a lot of “fun points” almost immediately.

Then you need to take into consideration that my hands and wrists always hurt. So catching a ball thrown from across the field hurts. I know, kids, youth, men and women around the world frequently find glee in catching a football, basketball, or other forms of sports paraphernalia when thrown by a friend or peer. But for me, time slows and I make several calculations. First, do I have to catch it? Yes, because if I don’t I’ll look like a sissy. Second, what kind of agility will catching this flying object require? And will it cause me to fall or hit some inanimate object? Thirdly, I begin calculating the amount of pain I suspect I may experience upon catching the ball. A large part of this is speculation as to whether I’ll catch it with my face (painful), my chest (not as painful) or my hands (stinging painful). Oh, and then I wonder if this interaction between the ball and myself is going to cause one of my very sharp elbows to solidly dent one of my equally solid hip bones. You may be surprised at how painful that can be.

Oh right, then there is the jogging, running, or anything-other-than walking. My ankles hurt. They hurt enough that I’ve developed a limp. Why? I am not sure, perhaps a lack of nutrition, or perhaps the office chair I use cuts off the blood circulation to my legs. This seems to also be affecting my knee; I don’t like this because it hurts too.

Are you noticing anything here? Perhaps a slight bond has formed between you and me? Seriously, how can we not? I mean, look at yourself. Statistically speaking, your knees probably hurt. You probably experience shin splints when you run. You probably feel like crap a lot. And while I realize we are far different in the pains we experience or at least the things that cause our pain – we are so much alike, I wonder if perhaps we come from the same genetically defunct strain of DNA.

If what I’ve said today offends you or makes you angry. Just close your eyes (after finishing reading this of course). Take ten slow and deep breaths. And think about how much you love me. Now wrap your arms around yourself, and hug tightly, smile, and bam – no more hateness.

I’m glad we could have this talk. I feel much better now.

Title image used with permission (permission pending) and courtesy of mrs-allonby, check out the original here.

Read it in the bathroom! Print It! Read it in the bathroom! Print It!

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One Response to “Hello My Fat Friends”

  1. on 06 Dec 2010 at 8:43 pmMikeyFat

    Fat and skinny means nothing. Being healthy is most important. Awesome post brosephino

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