If I were to ask you which two creatures where the most cuddly and lovable; its not even a question, you’d point out kittens and bunny rabbits. Its no wonder either, both animals feature that soft fuzzy fur. Those eyes that seep cuteness, and a general curiosity that makes you want to watch them for hours.
Unfortunately there is never room for two winners.
It is my pleasure to bring to you, the title fight. In the one corner we have Smittens the kitten. Smitten fought from the womb mere weeks ago. In his prime cuddle fitness, with silky smooth fur and an attitude of awesome. Smittens is a real crowd pleaser and undoubtedly has captured the hearts of many.
In the other corner we have Friskles, a new representative for the bunny family. Friskles is the unknown elusive candidate for cuteness. With proportionally floppy ears, and a bundle of fur; Friskles is set to take home the crown.
The crowd goes wild as the start of the fight nears. Time seems to come to a halt as the two opponents stare each other down, in a passive meek kind of way that screams “cuddle me”.
The din of a loud audience doesn’t break Smittens focus. He carefully sizes up his opponent. Friskles has gray fur, a personal weakness of Smittens; he would have to be careful of that one.
Friskles isn’t sure what he should be afraid of, he could tell it was something, but couldn’t quite place it. He was grateful for his abundance of fluffy fur; it provided ample shelter for a set of shaky legs.
Just then a loud clang of the bell signaled the start of the fight. Without thinking Friskles leapt toward his opponent, pulling a rusty razor from an unknown hidden place in his fur.
Smittens was thrown off by this speedy approach. He managed to dodge the attack … but not quickly enough. The alarms in his head were set off as a searing pain started from his left paw and tore up his arm alerting his senses something was not right. Steadying himself with a safe distance from his opponent, Smittens surveys the damage. Half his paw is missing, looking around he sees Friskles unassumingly nibbling at what used to be his paw fingers.
This surreal scene triggered a rage within Smittens, it surprised even himself. Not to mention his mother, Mrs. Farris, who was agasp in the front row of the stadium. His instincts took over and he found himself flying toward his opponent. This fresh sense of rage had caused him to put a little too much oomph in his trajectory, and Smittens found himself heading far above his target. With his remaining good claw he reached down to find Friskles taunt skin smothered beneath a healthy layer of fur. Skin which tore away in a most satisfying fashion.
Friskles had let his guard down and did not see his opponent flying toward him. He felt a shrieked escape his throat as the sensation of Smittens cute kitten claws rip through the flesh on his back. Jumping to the other side of the ring, Friskles made a hasty counter attack, lunging for Smittens throat.
Being in somewhat of a zone, Smittens blocked this attack with seemingly little effort.
“Touché”, muttered Friskles in rabbit tongue.
Smittens, believing this muttering to be an insult to his deceased grandmother purred with fury. “If only I was mature enough to hiss or growl” Smittens thought in frustration. The purring was a result of muscle memory. The only stimulation Smittens body had encountered was that of soft hands and gentle strokes. He had unfortunately developed only one audible response, that of a purr.
Not deterred by his unintended purr, Smittens wiped away the blood which had gathered on his paw. With his good paw he reaches over the side of the ring, and pulls out his favorite. The Desert Eagle .50 cal. Swiftly in one motion Smittens brings his weapon to bear and squeezes off a shot with his wounded claw.
Friskles, as agile as he is, was unable to dodge the bullet. It hit more like a train, disemboweling and leaving him in a much more contorted state. Friskles didn’t think this was fare at all, and in response flopped out of the ring and bit Mrs. Farris’ neck. She died almost instantly and was carted away by the turtle medics.
Partly due to the adrenalin Smittens had from the fight, and partly out of despair at losing his only mother (and being somewhat shocked that her reserve of 8 lives had been depleted) Smittens let out that shriek he had wanted so badly. Leaping down from the stage in front of Friskles. Smittens cocks back his left half-paw and plunges it deeply into Friskles right eye.
This hurts Friskles who exclaims in rabbit tongue “Aye mate, that hurt!”. The stadium goes deathly silent as they all come to the same realization. Friskles is Australian.
Just then Friskles pulls out a large bowie knife and plunges it deep into Smittens chest, pinning him to the side of the ring. Friskles then faints from loss of blood, a result of his earlier meeting with the .50 cal.
It is in this moment that Smittens looks to a bright light which seems to eclipse the room around him. He sees his mother (Mrs. Ferris) at the end, motioning him to join her. With a desperate attempt of final effort, Smittens claws with his hind paw at Friskles, but is only able to hook an eyelid. It is in this pose that Smittens takes his last breath. Skewered to the ring, foot hooked on the eyelid of his disemboweled opponent.
A single unimposing crow – who is also the ref – flutters down to the two opponents. Each has passed, there is no winner.
It is this tragic state that humans are now left with no ultimate cuddle muffin.
A tragedy and a sorrow, two heroes with but a legend of their passing.