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My Ideal Lady (by Stephen)

ideal lady

kiki wrote:

What type of women (or men) are you into? What is your ideal lady?

Dear Kiki,

This is a question with an answer I’m not completely sure has developed yet. I am straight, or wait, my orientation is to women. I’m not sure if that is being politically correct or not. With that out of the way, it narrows the field to women only.

But which type?

It only makes sense that I prefer lesbians [1] (don’t worry, its a safe link). However, there is an inherent problem, due to the nature of lesbianism; it would seem useless to pursue this type of woman.

I’m not too interested in Amazon [2] women. And I’m not particular toward the overly short type, which rules out the two extremes.

It looks like I favor the bland type of woman. The one who is not too tall, and not too short. Nor is she too large, or too slender. I’m pretty open to hair color. Though, in the past I’ve disliked red-heads, but more recently found that a large part of my liking a redhead deals with her personality, so its a 50-50 chance one way or the other.

I tend to avoid the tweakers [3]; crack addicts [4] and heroin junkies [5] generally don’t get past the second or third date. I simply do not mix well with their group.

Though it’s not something I point out, if a girl likes shopping more than she does watching a movie, or eating out, or biking, or swimming it’s generally a few points off her enough-points-to-win card.

Yeah, I keep points. I’ll discuss points another time, for now lets keep focused on your question.

Let me just be honest. I’m not very picky. It depends on your perspective of course, but from my point of view, I’m not terribly picky. I say this because usually I’ll give the girl at least one outing before I strike her from my care-list.

Yes, I keep a care list. I’ll discuss the care-list another time, for now lets keep focused on your question.

Oh, and girls who speak to me in the same way they would a toddler are out the door in a hurry. I know I have a babyface, and I kind of like it too. But I don’t want my ears assaulted in such a way that I begin to subconsciously feel I’m wearing a diaper; which may or may not need cleaning. Keep your baby leet [6] speak to the little ones, please.

Girls who don’t like pets earn bonus points. Though I don’t require that they enjoy killing pets, that is somewhat morbid and may be cause for concern as it is a possible manifestation that she has other issues to resolve. And the facts of life seem to suggest that we will all (male or female) have issues throughout our waking lives. And if killing is the way she deals with her issues, I’d prefer avoid any situation that would allow an issue to develop between ourselves.

I can go on and on discussing the finer points of those things I do not like in a woman. However to pin down the details necessary to determine that “ideal” lady seems a task I’m unable to undertake at this point in my life. Which is okay, I believe this is due to insufficient experience. And while I’m cooped up in my room writing this response to your question (I love doing this, really, I’m not blaming) I’m missing out on valuable learning moments that will bring me closer to discovering what I find to be the ideal lady.


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Title image used with permission(permission pending) and courtesy of Alex Evans [8], check out the original here [9].