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Who Is My Real Daddy?

a dad

Parker wrote:

Last November I found out that my uncle was married to my mother before she was married to my dad. Now its a possibility that I’m the son of my uncle.

I’m conflicted.

There are two ways that I could see this going:

First; you could see the fact that since your mother and (alleged) father are now married, your new father, if he wasn’t your biological father, would have adopted you by this time. This being the case you, would be his son, if not biologically then legally, and the time you have spent growing up with him as your father figure may mean more than something as fickle as genetics. However; if you feel it’s necessary, you could spend time with your uncle (if you haven’t already) getting to know him, and attempting to determine whether or not you feel a stronger ‘father-son bond’ than you do with your alleged father. Either way, you surely have found yourself in a win-win situation that could only bring you closer to your uncle now that you know he is your father, and you would essentially have two father figures that care deeply about you and your well-being.

Secondly; you may be able to use the situation for personal gain. Let me explain. If your uncle is in fact your father, then it shouldn’t be too hard to convince him that he needs to compete with your father (who in fact would be your uncle) for your affection. When this sort of thing happens, the object of the desired affection (in this case, you) generally receives lots of attention, and usually cool prizes. The best way to get people to do this is to tell each of them that the other has bought you something that you really like. For instance, it will probably start small, with something like your uncle taking you to dinner and a movie or something. The key here would be to mention to your father how much fun you had with your uncle while you were hanging out. Thus, making your father instantly jealous, and hopefully causing him to panic and become competitive in an effort to maintain his position as your father figure. This would inspire him to begin a sort of contest referred to commonly as “one-upmanship” in which both individuals compete for your favor, and in the end you are the winner, because no matter what you decide, you have cool stuff. Hopefully, depending on the financial standings of your family members and your ability to play them against each other, you could end up with a computer, a new tv, or if you’re really lucky, a new car. The possibilities are truly endless, I’ve seen cases like this where individuals convinced the two lobbying for favor to fight to the death, and in the end you can pretty much have whatever you want. So… make the best of the situation, and if you do convince them to fight to the death, make sure you give them weapons and armor and video tape it for the rest of us.

Of course, there is the chance that one or both of them actually won’t care about you. If this is the case, you pretty much don’t get any of the cool stuff I mentioned earlier. The good news in this case is that you’re better off knowing that now; than finding out three years from now when you need a favor and neither of them will come through. Meanwhile you’re stuck in a tight spot getting beat up by a bookie because you don’t have his two grand. I really hope that doesn’t happen to you, but in the event that it does, again, feel free to video tape the whole thing and send it to us, but only if you say funny things while he’s beating you up like “oh that’s gonna leave a mark” and/or scream like a girl while the whole thing is happening.

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Title image courtesy of mehmeturgut, check out his other work.

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One Response to “Who Is My Real Daddy?”

  1. on 02 Oct 2007 at 10:15 amTaylor

    A true masterpiece, thank you for your brilliance.

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