Ponder Place

As long as I can remember (early childhood). I’ve always looked forward to marriage. Because marriage meant true love. I know that this is something usually reserved for girls and fags. Well, I’m neither, but I still looked forward to it.

I would estimate that the earliest thoughts on this subject were had when I was six. My elementary calculations informed me I was in for a fifteen year waiting period. To my young mind, this seemed a horribly long way off. It would be fifteen years before I was twenty one. Which I figured to be the earliest I’d be getting married.

Though this amount of time was daunting to me. I was not deterred and looked forward to that time in the future where I’d get married to someone whom I could totally trust and become closest friends.

Life continued to unfold. My perception of time matured. Those months which had felt like years turned into actual months. Then, much to my dismay, months turned into weeks, and then into days. Slipping by without much of a second thought.

In this ongoing cycle. I found myself steadily approaching that estimated date. First it was just an event in the distant horizon. Its silhouette slowly grew as I drew nearer.

Patiently plodding along the road of life. My shoes were scuffed from past events. The small puffs of dust which arose from my footsteps covered this character engraven in my shoes. It was not long before I found myself alongside a yard. I stood silently on the road with my hands propped on a white picket fence which surrounded this yard.

The grass of the lawn was slightly overgrown and had turned golden from the lack of water. I saw a small stage set in the corner. There were tables set out with nothing placed upon them. Vacant chairs sat in uniform lines, seeming to highlight the emptiness.

I could hear myself breathing as I gazed over this setting. The scene was surreal and remained in my thoughts as I turned and moved along.

It was not much further along the road that I realized that this empty yard which I had just passed by; represented the designated time of marriage set just fifteen yeas prior.

As my footsteps continue down the road. My thoughts remain on that picketed yard. They lead me toward contemplation of why the yard was even there. It must have been my anticipation as a child which had willed the yard to take physical form on this metaphorical plain.

I continued wondering.

What was it that broke the chain of events? The chain of events that would have eventually lead to a lawn of freshly cut green grass. Tables full of refreshment. An atmosphere of laughter and joy as guests talked amongst themselves.

These questions turned over and over. Replaying scenarios through my mind. I’ve not found a satisfactory explanation, though many explanations had presented themselves.

I am now in the twenty fourth year of my evolution toward my expiration. I find myself as far away as I’ve ever been in regard to marriage.

I have the figurative road of life ahead of me. And I still have these questioning contemplations ready at any time to be passed from one side to the other in my thoughts.

It is occurred to me that perhaps the difference between the possibility of that event happening now. And the possibility of it happening eighteen years prior. Is that in-between the initial idea at the age of six, and the failed execution at the age twenty one (+); true love has died.

It is also possible that perhaps the concept of true love was a mechanic of my maturity. Used by life as a crutch to hold me through my youth into proper adulthood. A figment of my imagination.

It is also possible that now that I’ve faced this realization. And acknowledged its presence. I can move on. Orchestrate the figurative funeral of True Love and allow the wounds to heal.

Presuming this is correct. The natural path of recovery would be to find happiness. Release of the burden lends room for this sensation of happiness to take its place.

It is for this cause that I say true love has died and I am happy to bury the corpse.

Title image courtesy of Laura, check her work out.