Ponder Place

Lauren wrote:

How can I become more like Stephen?

This is actually a question I pretty much get on a daily basis. Now the first thing you need to understand is that there’s more to our good ol’ Stephen than meets the eye. Most people see his tough exterior and don’t realize that deep down he’s a sensitive philanthropist and a caring… um… person. I understand that to some of us, Stephen’s wealth of knowledge is seemingly limitless, but let’s keep in mind that no one is perfect, and as such any goal should (presumably) be attainable. The second thing you (or anyone reading this) need to understand is that I accept no responsibility for the consequences of any of the steps taken to become more like Stephen, and good luck.

That being said, let’s go to the first step shall we? Great, well the first step in becoming more like Stephen is to kill someone. Obviously no person can be so detached from emotion and cool under pressure without having done so. Now, the manner in which you kill someone is a matter of great debate in some learned societies. Some circles say that killing multiple persons in a war is definitely the fastest and easiest way to go; while others believe that defending yourself against an assailant and killing him (or her) while in a dark alley with no one around is the best course of action. It is the opinion of this author though that neither of these plans are very appropriate for a beginning killer, and one should begin with either a very old person, or a very sick person. You can generally find both of these types of people in a hospital, which brings us to our next step.

Now keep in mind that these steps are listed in order of importance, and not necessarily chronologically. The actual order in which you carry out these steps is entirely up to you. Step two, is most likely learning the art of being very very sneaky, which can be quite handy when sneaking in and out of the hospital mentioned earlier. Again there is debate concerning the most effective manner of acquiring skills for sneaking around secure facilities whilst being undetected. Some recommend going to Japan and training for years in an ancient school of martial arts called Ninjutsu (kind of like batman). Of course others recommend a more mainstream and debatably more efficient training system, like one of the specialized branches of the US military. These can both be very time consuming, so of course I recommend just sneaking around people’s houses at night. When taking this course it’s good to find motivation, for example: given your question and the fact that he probably wouldn’t really mind, you could hang out in Stephen’s backyard trying to sneak a peak of his “sweet physique,” thus aiding you in your quest to become more stealthy, and making it fun at the same time, which leads nicely into the next step again.

Third in importance is obtaining that indescribable aura that just screams… “I’m picturing you naked right now.” Now, most people think that this is “creepy” well this is just a misconception. This actually comes from that confidence and a state of being completely relaxed. This may be a little more difficult to acquire, some people find it difficult having much faith in themselves because they’re ‘just not Stephen’ and they lose the confidence, usually giving up their crusade and just settling with the person that they already are. I admonish you against such folly, if you remain dedicated to the cause and continue on your course you CAN, I repeat CAN become just like Stephen some day. Now this isn’t actually true, there’s no way that anyone could ever be the man Stephen is. Which is the next step.

Judging by the information that you’ve given me… (your name)… I’m guessing that you’re going to need some pretty serious surgeries. The first of which being a haircut. Now, I’m not exactly a medical doctor, but becoming a man is an important step in becoming more like Stephen. Now, some cultures have rituals for becoming a man, like a spirit quest or drinking binge. These actually only help if you’re already male, but I’m sure they couldn’t hurt.

Finally, I would say that you need to have a kind of code to live by, this should have moral and ethical standards, as well as others that would maintain your physical and mental health. For instance, just a few important qualities you may want to obtain and maintain in an effort to try to be more like Stephen are:

• Loyalty: Your friends and family should always come first so long as they haven’t done anything to ostracize you.
• Be Trustworthy: Don’t tell secrets that are entrusted to you, don’t gossip and don’t tell someone something if it’s none of their business.
• Eat well: Stephen has always been very health conscious and if you really want to be like him then you should too.
• Dependability: If you say you’re going to be somewhere you should be there, be on time and don’t make other plans.
• Selflessness: Other people’s comfort and safety should always come before your own.
• Honesty: It’s the best policy, don’t sell it short, you never have to cover your lies if you don’t really tell them.
• Prudence: Don’t waste your money, if you think you need something, you don’t, aside from food, water and a place to stay don’t spend much more money than you have to, it’s just unwise.

These of course are just a few examples based on my observations of Stephen throughout the years. There are more rules to which you should adhere if you truly aspire to become more like Stephen, but as a basic guideline for improving one’s self, just pay attention to what I’ve said, you have been warned and good luck again.

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